Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be

Teen Sex - What are We Going to Do About It?

So did you know that some teens have sex? I know, it's shocking, but there seems to be a lot of this going on. Take the 17 pregnant teens in Gloucester, MA. They had sex (one of them had sex with a homeless man). Jamie Lynn Spears had sex. And now, it seems that there is a JC Penney ad that uses teen sex to sell clothing. (Whether this is real or not remains to be seen.) There is no doubt that we as a society are not dealing with sexuality the right way. 1 in 4 teen girls in the U.S. has at least one major STI. (And a conservative media blogger misquoted me this week and said that I claimed 1 in 14 were infected. That's a significant difference, don't you think?) We have the worst sexual health of any developed nation, and for the first time in 15 years our teen birth rates are going up.

But I'm not a pessimist. This is an opportunity. This is the time to do better - to be better.

Here's the thing: in my book (both literally and figuratively), if we started talking about the role that sexuality plays in our lives and discuss the importance of sexuality, we would be less likely to engage in unhealthy and premature sexual relationships. And we certainly wouldn't be getting pregnant as a means of validating ourselves.

For the Gloucester girls, it's not just about sex ed. It's about a larger cultural change. That means parents, the school system, the sexuality education program, reproductive health services, and the community at large need to rethink their priorities. Girls (and boys for that matter) need to know that their potential for success isn't wrapped up in their ability to reproduce at a young age. They need to know that seeking unconditional love from a newborn is just not the way to feel better about oneself. And for a 15 or 16 year old to be so desperate to conceive that she would have unprotected sex with a homeless man proves that this is a girl who doesn't care about herself.

Sexuality isn't a bad thing. It's a innate thing. And it isn't just about having sex. It's about feeling good in your skin, feeling comfortable with your gender and your body, and about being able to speak up for yourself. (And part of a good sexuality education program also means that students learn that the best decisions are those that are well-thought out.)

As for teenagers, let's be clear. Age has never been a determinant of whether someone makes a good decision about sex. There are plenty of adults that make poor decisions about sex. But no matter what your values are, now is the time to start talking to your children, your partners, and your friends about sexual health. We are given opportunities every day. Every story (positive or negative) that comes out in the news is a gift. If we don't start using them to teach and to learn...well shame on us.

Client #9 - The Downfall of Spitzer

Okay, so here's the thing. I couldn't care less that Governor Spitzer sought out prostitutes. Technically, it's not my business. And technically, do we really know that he and his wife didn't have some sort of arrangement? I am so very tired of everyone imposing our personal values on everyone else's relationship.

Now, that being said...what the hell? I mean what makes me crazy (about this or any other supposed "sex scandal") is the hubris. (My eighth grade English teacher would be so very proud. I applied "hubris" to a current event.) But it's true, right? Spitzer thought he was above the law. But that's not just it for me. It's the total hypocrisy that exists for people in our culture today.

David Vitter (staunch conservative Republican senator from Louisiana) was involved with prostitutes.
Larry Craig (anti-gay Republican senator) "accidentally" toe-tapped his way into a gay scandal.
Ted Haggard (evangelical and anti-gay crusader) had relations with a man and dabbled in cocaine (allegedly).

The list goes on and on.

When are we going to stop being so afraid of our own sexuality? When will we stop barking so loudly in an effort to hide who we are?

Spitzer is the latest in a long line of hypocrites. And I am over it.

Bad Gay Boy Scouts

So there I was at home yesterday, sitting with my cup of coffee and pouring over my neighbor's New York Times. (They are out of town, I am not stealing, merely borrowing.) Anyway, I open the magazine section to an interview with Governor Perry (Texas). The words homosexual and scouts caught my eye. So I read the q and a. In response to the question about why he wants to remove "gays" from the Boy Scouts, he says:

Scouting ought to be about building character, not about sex. Period. Precious few parents enroll their boys in the Scouts to get a crash course in sexual orientation (Governor Perry).

Do any of us (gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual) walk around talking about our sexual orientation. If you're not me (a sexuality educator) are you always talking about your sex life and your personal values about sexuality? Is he serious? This is ridiculous.

Perry basically defends the boy scouts' decision to exclude gays, but more significantly, says that if homosexuality isn't about sex, "perhaps they should call it something else". You know, because anything with "sex" in the word has to do with penetration. I mean am I wrong when I say that homosexuality is about attraction to one's own sex (gender)? Last time I checked, these words have never been about the act of sex itself. Besides, if Perry's argument is that homosexual troup leaders will talk about sex with their scouts, couldn't a heterosexual (oops, there's that "sex" word again) leader do the same thing? I mean their orientation does have those three letters too. Seriously, if my son was ever a scout (do they even have them in NYC?), as long as his leader inspired, educated, and protected him, I wouldn't care what his orientation was - no matter what. Since when is a person's character linked to who he is attracted to?

...and chivalry is by no means dead.

Valentine's Day is like the Superbowl for sexologists, and this week definitely was busy, exciting, and overwhelming. I began my week with my regular roster of sex ed lectures and then trained to New Haven for my first of two lectures for Sex Week at Yale. Tuesday afternoon, two hundred and fifty people packed into a room to hear me about "What a Girls Wants: In Search of the Female Orgasm". Not only was it fun to be in front of a group of college students, but their questions were honest, poignant, and provocative. I was definitely impressed. I arrived back in NYC energized by the incredible opportunity the Yalies have to change how we look at sexuality today.

Fast forward to Wednesday, when I had a wonderful interview with Nicole Feliciano of Babble and Momtrends. We talked about sex, parenting, and what to do if your child walks in on you having sex. (Yes, it will eventually happen.)

Now, yesterday...the big V Day began at The Today Show where Dr. Ian Kerner and I talked about Valentine's Day Expectations and the overall anxiety and pressure that Valentine's Day engenders in many people, young and old. (Click here for the video.) Then it was off to the Divalysscious Moms luncheon, where I got to spend time talking to new moms about how to reintroduce sex back into their lives. It's not easy - but definitely important.

The last stop on the Valentine's Day tour was back in New Haven, where I got to participate in a dialogue about the chemistry of love with renowned anthropologist, Dr. Helen Fisher. While she tackled the "why's" of love, I regaled the audience with the challenges and opportunities that relationships have today. And I also got to wax poetic (and slightly cynical) about Valentine's Day and what constituted a thoughtful gift. (The iPod playlist - aka the modern day mix tape - and a Starbucks card were on my list.) Yes, I announced that my perfect gift was a Starbucks card - because it meant that my partner thought about how I spend my days and what would make those days a bit easier. And you know what? After my lecture, a young man in the audience gave me his Starbucks card. And that was definitely the nicest part of my day.

Getting Prepped for Valentine's Day

It's been a long time since I have blogged. I have been writing everywhere else, but sadly my blog has been suffering due to my lack of time. No longer. I am committed to writing. And these days I am even more committed to speaking - about dating, sex, love, parenting, pregnancy, all of it. In fact, I have some pretty cool gigs coming up. I mean, it is the Valentine's Day season, and that just seems to be a good time for those of us in the sex and relationship biz.

In fact, Valentine's Day is going to be a bit crazy. I will be at Yale for their annual Sex Week. Yes, Yale has a Sex Week, and a pretty impressive one at that. On Tuesday I will be speaking about "The Female Orgasm" and Thursday evening (yes I will be there for Valentine's night) the "Chemistry of Love". I will also be speaking at a special Mom's Luncheon for Divalysscious Moms, and talking about Valentine's Day Expectations on The Today Show that morning. But for now (at least for the end of this week), I will be diligently working on all of the things on my to-do list.

And last, if you want to see my tips for "Spicing Up Your Relationship", check out Woman's Day. And in case you wanted to see another Third Base... book review, here it is by Tracee Sioux at So Sioux Me.

Voyeurism at Its Best - or Sleaziest

Full disclosure - I love reality television. I do, I just can't help myself. Perhaps it's the voyeur in me; perhaps it's just that I love seeing the absolutely absurb way people will humiliate themselves on camera. Which leads me to Rock of Love II. Did you catch it? (And no, I don't mean an STD, though if it were possible to contract one through the television,we would all need some serious pharmaceuticals.) But that being said, it makes for a delightful cultural commentary. I loved Bret Michaels in Poison. I saw them live in the seventh grade. I wanted him - though it did lose its allure as my parents were in the stadium seats right next to me. So now, having grown up (a little), I can't believe that grown women would forgo every ounce of integrity they have to screw a star. That and the fact that they seem to have no fear of germs. Nonetheless, what really bothers me about dating shows in general (and yes, I know that I watch them so I am guilty too),is that they perpetuate the idea that a woman is only as good as her partner (or her relationship status). And you know what? I don't play that game!

The Problem with Sex Tapes

I have been struggling with exhibitionism these days.

Not my own, but this phenomenon of celebrities (or have-been celebrities, and I use that word very loosely) releasing and capitalizing from their personal sex tapes. The latest rumor is that Vivica Fox has one (though she is denying it) and just this morning, Amy Fisher (yes, the LONG ISLAND LOLITA herself!) announced that her husband released their own documented romps.

(Perhaps we should ask ourselves why one would stay with a person who released a tape with our consent???)

Nonetheless, I am a tad bit concerned with the impact that this has on youth. They have a hard enough time understanding how to appropriately use a camera phone - i.e. there shouldn't be photos taken in the locker rooms, or while your friends are in compromising positions (especially without their consent). But what does it mean for them when people garner a huge amount of notoriety (though not necessarily the good kind) from a grainy tape of themselves getting it on with boy-toy of the moment?

It is our responsibility to teach our children (and our teens) that celebrities DO NOT represent the average person. The repercussions for us (especially during our school years) could be devastating.

 

Seriously, What's Up With Unsafe Sex?

Not that pregnancy is a bad thing. When planned, it can be wonderful...nausea and months of dry heaving aside, of course.  But why is this week in particular filled with not so positive stories of conception? Britney's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. (If you saw me on Good Morning America yesterday you know that I have some serious concerns about this.) My personal issue is not that a 16 year old was having sex. It's because clearly we have a societal problem when someone who has financial access to information and services does NOT use protection. (Though because her home state of Louisiana is an abstinence-only state, the information part may have been more challenging.) Nonetheless, what happened to condoms? They sell Trojans everywhere! They are not that hard to find. And if for some reason they are locked behind a cabinet (which I admit is counterintuitive on many levels), a sexually responsible person would still walk right up to the counter and ask the cashier to unlock it. Second, what's going on with using tabloid journalism to exploit a personal crisis for financial/PR gain? There is a narcissistic and juvenile element to all of this that I just cannot understand.

That being said, this has been a great week for comprehensive sexuality education and those of us who practice and support it. (Check out the recent findings from the CDC.)

But it is evident that we do have problems talking with our children about sexuality. Yesterday on Fox Business, I talked about how we have an obligation to speak honestly about sex and to challenge the messaging (albeit conflicting and confusing) that we get from our media. (Watch it here.) How can we live in a world where condom advertising is censored by some networks but extreme violence and exploitative sex is glorified? Where are our priorities? Is it any wonder why our youth are so confused about sex and protection?

As for role modelling, may I just propose something: Let us redefine what we mean by "role model". I suggest that role models are not  cute, wealthy, press worthy celebs, but people in our lives that are inspirational, give back to the community, and contribute to society in meaningful ways. These may be people from history; these may be family members. But just because someone is on tv doesn't mean that we should emulate their lives.

The Spears Girls & Sex

Last night I went to bed hearing some unsettling news that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant. A tween icon, a supposed "role model" for youth, is now a pregnant teen - and just another statistic.

While news like this conveys just how important it is to talk to our kids about sexuality, sex, condoms, and good decision making, it is also an indictment of how we are failing as parents. Jamie Lynn waited until Thanksgiving to tell her mother and decided to announce the news on the cover of a tabloid. What is wrong with this picture? And why do the Spears girls have such a complicated relationship with sex and more importantly, condom use? Why do so many teens fear talking to their parents about sex - especially in the midst of a crisis? They fear our judgement. And sometimes we need to sit back, remember what it was like for us, and listen. And when you finally talk...

use this opportunity to talk to your kids about self-esteem, healthy decision making, personal responsibility, and the fact that while Jamie Lynn Spears may (and I use that word loosely) have the resources (at least financially) to take care of her baby, this is not how teen pregnancy plays out in real life. Jamie Lynn does not represent the average teen; her family is clearly not the average family.

But we are - and it is possible to instill healthy, positive messages about sex, allowing kids and teens to explore their values alongside of yours, to help them develop self esteem, decision making skills, and most importantly, a chance to see that  sexuality is so central to who we are. When we know that (and know how wonderful it can be), we won't squander it. We will protect it (and we will protect the ones we care about). In the end, that's really why I wrote Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be.

Teens Birth and HIV Stats are Up...Ugh

For the first time since 1991, teen birth rates are up.

In a surprising development, America's teen birth-rate rose in 2006, marking the first time since its all-time high in 1991 that the rate has increased. The rate rose 3 percent, to 41.9 births per 1,000 girls aged 15-19 (RHReality Check).

This shocking (or perhaps not so shocking) news that teen births are up is a huge slap in the face for abstinence-only advocates. There are 14 million teens in American receiving this information (14 million - can you imagine???). It's very scary.What does that mean? In a nutshell, it means that we are not doing a good job education our youth about protection, prevention, and yes, abstinence.

Those of us who support comprehensive sexuality education are not anti-abstinence. But we are realistic and believe that in order to present a holistic picture of sexuality, we must teach about the many choices, skills, behaviors, and options that we have with respect to our sexual health.

In addition to teen births, the CDC has begun the process to amend their statistics on new HIV infections. While it had been thought that there were roughly 40,000 new infections each year, it turns out that that number might be closer to 60,000. Frightening and ridiculous numbers for a country where prevention is such an easy thing to achieve.

Why is there so much complacency about HIV? Yesterday I had lunch with my friend, Regan Hofmann, the beautiful and inspiring editor of POZ magazine. We talked about how Americans seem to have forgotten our own history with HIV - how many of us were affected personally by the disease. We saw the AIDS quilt, we remember the marches, we saw our friends and family waste away. Yet it is impossible to teach youth about the relevance of HIV/AIDS when it is perceived as a "manageable infection". The fact is, HIV is not something to be taken lightly. It is 100% preventable. Condoms work. Education works. Abstinence (when practiced correctly) can work. We need more advocates and activists. We can never forget. And we need to evolve.