Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be

Client #9 - The Downfall of Spitzer

Okay, so here's the thing. I couldn't care less that Governor Spitzer sought out prostitutes. Technically, it's not my business. And technically, do we really know that he and his wife didn't have some sort of arrangement? I am so very tired of everyone imposing our personal values on everyone else's relationship.

Now, that being said...what the hell? I mean what makes me crazy (about this or any other supposed "sex scandal") is the hubris. (My eighth grade English teacher would be so very proud. I applied "hubris" to a current event.) But it's true, right? Spitzer thought he was above the law. But that's not just it for me. It's the total hypocrisy that exists for people in our culture today.

David Vitter (staunch conservative Republican senator from Louisiana) was involved with prostitutes.
Larry Craig (anti-gay Republican senator) "accidentally" toe-tapped his way into a gay scandal.
Ted Haggard (evangelical and anti-gay crusader) had relations with a man and dabbled in cocaine (allegedly).

The list goes on and on.

When are we going to stop being so afraid of our own sexuality? When will we stop barking so loudly in an effort to hide who we are?

Spitzer is the latest in a long line of hypocrites. And I am over it.

Bad Gay Boy Scouts

So there I was at home yesterday, sitting with my cup of coffee and pouring over my neighbor's New York Times. (They are out of town, I am not stealing, merely borrowing.) Anyway, I open the magazine section to an interview with Governor Perry (Texas). The words homosexual and scouts caught my eye. So I read the q and a. In response to the question about why he wants to remove "gays" from the Boy Scouts, he says:

Scouting ought to be about building character, not about sex. Period. Precious few parents enroll their boys in the Scouts to get a crash course in sexual orientation (Governor Perry).

Do any of us (gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual) walk around talking about our sexual orientation. If you're not me (a sexuality educator) are you always talking about your sex life and your personal values about sexuality? Is he serious? This is ridiculous.

Perry basically defends the boy scouts' decision to exclude gays, but more significantly, says that if homosexuality isn't about sex, "perhaps they should call it something else". You know, because anything with "sex" in the word has to do with penetration. I mean am I wrong when I say that homosexuality is about attraction to one's own sex (gender)? Last time I checked, these words have never been about the act of sex itself. Besides, if Perry's argument is that homosexual troup leaders will talk about sex with their scouts, couldn't a heterosexual (oops, there's that "sex" word again) leader do the same thing? I mean their orientation does have those three letters too. Seriously, if my son was ever a scout (do they even have them in NYC?), as long as his leader inspired, educated, and protected him, I wouldn't care what his orientation was - no matter what. Since when is a person's character linked to who he is attracted to?

...and chivalry is by no means dead.

Valentine's Day is like the Superbowl for sexologists, and this week definitely was busy, exciting, and overwhelming. I began my week with my regular roster of sex ed lectures and then trained to New Haven for my first of two lectures for Sex Week at Yale. Tuesday afternoon, two hundred and fifty people packed into a room to hear me about "What a Girls Wants: In Search of the Female Orgasm". Not only was it fun to be in front of a group of college students, but their questions were honest, poignant, and provocative. I was definitely impressed. I arrived back in NYC energized by the incredible opportunity the Yalies have to change how we look at sexuality today.

Fast forward to Wednesday, when I had a wonderful interview with Nicole Feliciano of Babble and Momtrends. We talked about sex, parenting, and what to do if your child walks in on you having sex. (Yes, it will eventually happen.)

Now, yesterday...the big V Day began at The Today Show where Dr. Ian Kerner and I talked about Valentine's Day Expectations and the overall anxiety and pressure that Valentine's Day engenders in many people, young and old. (Click here for the video.) Then it was off to the Divalysscious Moms luncheon, where I got to spend time talking to new moms about how to reintroduce sex back into their lives. It's not easy - but definitely important.

The last stop on the Valentine's Day tour was back in New Haven, where I got to participate in a dialogue about the chemistry of love with renowned anthropologist, Dr. Helen Fisher. While she tackled the "why's" of love, I regaled the audience with the challenges and opportunities that relationships have today. And I also got to wax poetic (and slightly cynical) about Valentine's Day and what constituted a thoughtful gift. (The iPod playlist - aka the modern day mix tape - and a Starbucks card were on my list.) Yes, I announced that my perfect gift was a Starbucks card - because it meant that my partner thought about how I spend my days and what would make those days a bit easier. And you know what? After my lecture, a young man in the audience gave me his Starbucks card. And that was definitely the nicest part of my day.

The Problem with Sex Tapes

I have been struggling with exhibitionism these days.

Not my own, but this phenomenon of celebrities (or have-been celebrities, and I use that word very loosely) releasing and capitalizing from their personal sex tapes. The latest rumor is that Vivica Fox has one (though she is denying it) and just this morning, Amy Fisher (yes, the LONG ISLAND LOLITA herself!) announced that her husband released their own documented romps.

(Perhaps we should ask ourselves why one would stay with a person who released a tape with our consent???)

Nonetheless, I am a tad bit concerned with the impact that this has on youth. They have a hard enough time understanding how to appropriately use a camera phone - i.e. there shouldn't be photos taken in the locker rooms, or while your friends are in compromising positions (especially without their consent). But what does it mean for them when people garner a huge amount of notoriety (though not necessarily the good kind) from a grainy tape of themselves getting it on with boy-toy of the moment?

It is our responsibility to teach our children (and our teens) that celebrities DO NOT represent the average person. The repercussions for us (especially during our school years) could be devastating.

 

Seriously, What's Up With Unsafe Sex?

Not that pregnancy is a bad thing. When planned, it can be wonderful...nausea and months of dry heaving aside, of course.  But why is this week in particular filled with not so positive stories of conception? Britney's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. (If you saw me on Good Morning America yesterday you know that I have some serious concerns about this.) My personal issue is not that a 16 year old was having sex. It's because clearly we have a societal problem when someone who has financial access to information and services does NOT use protection. (Though because her home state of Louisiana is an abstinence-only state, the information part may have been more challenging.) Nonetheless, what happened to condoms? They sell Trojans everywhere! They are not that hard to find. And if for some reason they are locked behind a cabinet (which I admit is counterintuitive on many levels), a sexually responsible person would still walk right up to the counter and ask the cashier to unlock it. Second, what's going on with using tabloid journalism to exploit a personal crisis for financial/PR gain? There is a narcissistic and juvenile element to all of this that I just cannot understand.

That being said, this has been a great week for comprehensive sexuality education and those of us who practice and support it. (Check out the recent findings from the CDC.)

But it is evident that we do have problems talking with our children about sexuality. Yesterday on Fox Business, I talked about how we have an obligation to speak honestly about sex and to challenge the messaging (albeit conflicting and confusing) that we get from our media. (Watch it here.) How can we live in a world where condom advertising is censored by some networks but extreme violence and exploitative sex is glorified? Where are our priorities? Is it any wonder why our youth are so confused about sex and protection?

As for role modelling, may I just propose something: Let us redefine what we mean by "role model". I suggest that role models are not  cute, wealthy, press worthy celebs, but people in our lives that are inspirational, give back to the community, and contribute to society in meaningful ways. These may be people from history; these may be family members. But just because someone is on tv doesn't mean that we should emulate their lives.

The Spears Girls & Sex

Last night I went to bed hearing some unsettling news that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant. A tween icon, a supposed "role model" for youth, is now a pregnant teen - and just another statistic.

While news like this conveys just how important it is to talk to our kids about sexuality, sex, condoms, and good decision making, it is also an indictment of how we are failing as parents. Jamie Lynn waited until Thanksgiving to tell her mother and decided to announce the news on the cover of a tabloid. What is wrong with this picture? And why do the Spears girls have such a complicated relationship with sex and more importantly, condom use? Why do so many teens fear talking to their parents about sex - especially in the midst of a crisis? They fear our judgement. And sometimes we need to sit back, remember what it was like for us, and listen. And when you finally talk...

use this opportunity to talk to your kids about self-esteem, healthy decision making, personal responsibility, and the fact that while Jamie Lynn Spears may (and I use that word loosely) have the resources (at least financially) to take care of her baby, this is not how teen pregnancy plays out in real life. Jamie Lynn does not represent the average teen; her family is clearly not the average family.

But we are - and it is possible to instill healthy, positive messages about sex, allowing kids and teens to explore their values alongside of yours, to help them develop self esteem, decision making skills, and most importantly, a chance to see that  sexuality is so central to who we are. When we know that (and know how wonderful it can be), we won't squander it. We will protect it (and we will protect the ones we care about). In the end, that's really why I wrote Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be.